Hogan's Menagerie
by Tuttle4077
Summary: Hehe... my silly little response to a challenge posted by Sayla Ragnarok. Hehe... this is really silly, but it was too fun to pass up! Hogan the Raccoon is planning to escape from the Hammelburg Zoo. Will he make it!


Oh, this is the silliest thing I've ever written. But, it was so fun, I couldn't resist it.

This story is my humble reply to Sayla Ragnarok's challenge to write a parody by turning our heroes into animals. The idea was to turn everyone (including the Germans) into animals 'wild vs domestic' but, of course, I put my own little twist in it.

This is just a bunch of silly fun. So, park your brain at the door, grab a bag of popcorn and enjoy.

Wait, before I go further take heart young readers. I don't own Hogan's Heroes. I'm just having a little fun with the characters for a while. Hehe... As always Der Bingle, that big-eared crooner and CBS own this wonderful show... sigh...

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HOGAN'S MENAGERIE

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Hogan paced the small confines of his cage. He had counted every bar, tried every weak point and he was still stuck. He couldn't even slip his agile figure through the gaps. It was enough to make him insane.

Scowling, Hogan plopped himself onto his bed of leaves and crossed his arms. He was a prisoner- trapped and caged.

Well, he supposed being in a zoo was better than a fur farm. At least he got three meals a day. And he got the admiration of school children everywhere.

All things considered, a raccoon couldn't ask for more. But he still longed for the sweet taste of freedom. What would it be like to live in a forest? What would it be like to go anywhere and do anything he wanted?

Hogan sighed wistfully. Soon, he thought, soon he'd revel in the sweet air of freedom.

Poking his head through the bars, Hogan glanced up at the clock tower in the middle of the zoo. Quarter to six. That meant the zoo would be closing soon. Schultz, the heavy-set feeder, would make his rounds, feeding all the animals. Hogan grimaced. When he got out, he swore he would never eat another berry or fish again

Just then, the sounds of heavy footsteps pounding on cold pavement grabbed the raccoon's attention. Turning away from the clock, he saw Schultz walking up, pushing a large, food-laden cart. Rubbing his hands together, Hogan shuffled his pile of leaves towards the door to his cage and dived in. Silently, he watched as Schultz selected his meal and made his way towards his cage.

"Guten abend, little Waschbär," Schultz said in a sing-song voice as he fumbled for his keys. "Where are you? It's time for your dinner." Schultz glanced around, looking for his mischievous charge. Shrugging, he pulled out his keys and opened the door, stepping in.

Hogan took his chance and shot out of his hiding place. Schultz didn't even have time to register what had happened before Hogan was on the other side and darting away. Dropping the tray of food, Schultz gave chase.

Hogan ran as fast as his four legs would carry him. Weaving his way between various cages, he was soon able to put some distance between himself and his pursuer. The zoo erupted with noise as the other animals cheered him on. He passed a few children, who shrieked with fear and delight.

There, just ahead. The gates to the zoo were still open and beckoned to him. Freedom was only a few yards away. The thought spurred Hogan on and he ran faster. He was nearly at the gate when something tight slipped around his neck and nearly knocked him onto his back. Surprised, Hogan struggled and grasped the wire around his neck, trying to loosen it. After a few moments, he gave up and slumped in defeat.

"Thought you could get away, hmm?" Hogan cringed and turned his head. A small, nasty-looking man held tightly to the snare that had trapped him. He smirked down at him and grabbed Hogan by the scruff of the neck. "This is the fifth time you've tried to escape. And if I had my way-"

"What is going on here!!!" A voice shouted. Hogan nearly sighed in relief as the zookeeper, a man named Klink, marched up to them. "Hochstetter, what happened?"

Hochstetter scowled and shook Hogan non too lightly. "The Waschbär tried to escape again."

Klink shook his fist. "Humph! If the children didn't like you so much, I'd send you to a fur farm in an instant!" Hogan just blinked and yawned, trying to act disinterested. Klink smacked his forehead and then rubbed his temples. "What am I doing? Talking to animals… Hochstetter, put him back into his cage."

"Of course," Hochstetter scowled. Dropping the raccoon to the ground, he dragged Hogan back to his cage. After taking the snare off, he tossed him into the cage and locked the door tightly. Hogan just scowled and chattered nonsense at the ornery human. When Hochstetter left Hogan scurried up the lone tree in his compound and slumped on one of the branches.

"Well, it was a good try anyway."

Hogan glanced up and gave a half-smile to the barn owl across the way. "Thanks Kinch. Next time-"

"Next time, maybe you'll wait for us? We've been planning an escape for weeks."

"Ah, I know. Maybe I was being a little selfish. Is the meeting on for tonight?"

"Sure is. Carter passed the word along. As soon as Schultz finishes making his rounds, we'll all meet here."

"All right, fine, fine. Speaking of Carter, do you know how much progress he's made on the tunnel?"

The owl shrugged. "No, but I'm sure he'll tell us at the meeting."

Hogan sighed, not expecting much. The entire length of the compound was a lot to dig through- even for a meerkat like Carter. He had already managed to dig tunnels between the various cages and that was an accomplishment in itself.

Climbing down from his branch, Hogan picked at his food and started pacing around. The clock tower chimed, signalling the change in the hour. The zoo's lights shut down a few minutes later. Five, seemingly endless minutes passed before Hogan heard scratching coming from underground. A small pile of leaves rustled on the far side of his cell and a moment later, Carter poked his head out and gave a small, squeaky bark.

"All's clear. Come on up," Hogan called quietly. Carter looked around, just to double check before hopping out of the hole and scrambling towards Hogan. He stopped mid-way and dashed back towards the tunnel entrance and started chattering.

"Oh knock it off!" a voice growled. A moment later, a hand emerged and pushed Carter out of the way. Newkirk, a sleek and cunning weasel climbed out and dusted off his brown coat.

"The way you natter on…"

"I just wanted to tell you the coast was clear," Carter defended, sounding hurt.

"Of course the coast was clear. You wouldn't have jumped out if it wasn't, would you?"

"Well, no, I guess not," the small critter answered sheepishly. "Hey, where's Lebeau?"

Newkirk shrugged and peeked down the tunnel. "Blimey, I think he's stuck. That ruddy tunnel's too small for him."

"I'm not stuck!" a decidedly French voice hollered. "I just need to wiggle a bit and…" Suddenly, Lebeau's black and white head popped out of the tunnel. "Grab my hand and help me out." Lebeau wiggled his hand free and both Newkirk and Carter grabbed hold of it. They tried in vain to free the skunk but it wasn't until Hogan, who was much bigger than either of them, lent a hand that Lebeau was finally free. "Ah, merci mon bandit masqué."

"All right, we're all here. Can you hear us okay Kinch?" Kinch let out an affirmative hoot. "Good. All right, first order of business-"

"Boy! I heard about your escape attempt today! You almost made it! If it hadn't been for Hochstetter, I bet you'd be free as a bird right now!"

"Hey!" Kinch hollered from his cage.

"Aw, shucks, it was just a figure of speech Kinch," Carter said sheepishly.

"All right, all right, calm down," Hogan yelled. He glanced at Carter and briefly wondered why no one had tried to eat the much smaller animal yet. "Pretty soon we'll all be as free as the proverbial bird. Carter, how much progress have you made with the tunnels?"

"I've gotten as far as the lion's den." Carter shuddered. "Can you believe that big brute tried to eat me!"

"As a matter of fact, I can," Newkirk muttered. Hogan just shot him a look. They owed a lot to Carter- a lot. It was not every meerkat that would willingly side himself with a group of animals who would normally think nothing of eating him. That sort of devotion and loyalty didn't deserve betrayal, no matter how tasty Carter looked.

"That's pretty good. How long do you think it'll be before you clear the gate."

"Shucks, a couple a weeks. But that's not the problem. See, outside there's cement! Real cement! It took me days just to chip through this thin stuff at the bottom of our cages."

"And besides, those tunnels are much too small for you and me," Lebeau added. "I barely made it through. You don't stand a chance."

Hogan scowled. "So, how long will it take to widen your tunnels?"

"Another month at least," Carter sighed, hating to disappoint the wily raccoon.

"Not soon enough. Besides," he said with a sigh, "tunnels are great, but I doubt Kinch could make it through anyway. Anyone else have any ideas?"

"What about this. I sneak the keys off Schultzy, open all our cages, then Bob's you uncle, Fanny's your aunt, we make a break for it."

"Seems to me you already tried that one," Hogan pointed out.

"Well, you know what they say, third time's the charm."

"More like 300th time the charm," Lebeau muttered.

"The problem isn't so much getting out of the cages, but getting across the compound. Hochstetter watches us like a hawk," Kinch pointed out.

"You could always carry us over the fence," Hogan said.

"I suppose, but you're a little big for me."

"Well, you can take the others out and I'll leave through the gates."

"But what if Hochstetter catches you?! It's only a matter of time before they ship you off to a fur farm."

"And we wouldn't want that to happen, dear Hogan," a new voice purred. Two figures emerged from the shadows and came up to the cage.

"Marya? Tiger? What're you doing here?" Slipping their lithe frames easily through the bars, they hopped into the middle of the group. Neither showed the slightest fear towards the 'wild' animals. Tiger, a pretty and slim marmalade tabby sat back, soaking in every bit of information the scene had to offer. Marya, fluffy, grey and definitely the boldest of the two, stroked her long tail against Hogan's nose.

"We have some information for you dahling," Marya purred. Hogan batted her tail away.

"Mon petit chou! I knew you would pull through for us!" Lebeau shouted as he grabbed Marya's paw and kissed it. "Soon we'll get out and then you and I will run away to Paris."

"Hold it Lebeau," Hogan ordered, watching the skunk fawn over Marya in disgust, "let's see what they've got first." He glanced over at Tiger, the cat he trusted the most. "Well?"

"As you know Hogan dahling, our pet is the town's vet-" Marya began but Hogan cut her off.

"Oskar Schnitzer, I know. So what?"

"He's been asked to come in and treat a lemur here," Tiger explained in a voice infinitely more pleasing than Marya's.

"You mean Wilson?! Ah geez, I didn't even know the poor guy was sick!" His outburst brought Marya's attention to Carter and she licked her lips. Carter didn't seem to notice, but Hogan did and he shot Marya a warning glare.

"This is nothing big or new," Hogan said impatiently. "Schnitzer comes here at least once a month."

"Ah yes, but usually he walks Hogan! But, the other day he sprained his ankle," Marya announced in a booming voice. "And that means-"

"And that means he'll bring the truck!" Hogan finished, becoming excited. He glanced past the bars to the Monkey House just across the way. "And I bet you he'll park it right there!" Ideas were clicking in his head. "Tiger, what time tomorrow is he coming?"

"He has to drop some dogs off at that POW camp in the morning… maybe eleven?"

"Perfect. Schultz comes 'round to feed me at 11:30. Do you think your pet will take that long?" Tiger just answered with a shrug. "We'll have to chance that. All right, here's the plan. 11:20 I want all of you to take the tunnels into my cage-"

"What about me?" Kinch asked from his own cage.

"You stay put, we'll come for you. Newkirk, when Schultz comes up, you grab the keys from him, got it." Newkirk nodded and rubbed his paws together mischievously. "When he leaves, we'll sneak out. Newkirk, you open Kinch's cage and we'll stow away in Schnitzer's truck."

"And how do you plan on getting in the truck?" Marya asked smugly. "You can't by yourself!"

"I wasn't planning on it. Since it's easier to open the back doors from the inside, both of you will have to sneak in the back before he leaves home."

"What! Are you crazy!" The outburst, surprisingly, came from Tiger. "Get into the back with a bunch of dogs?!" There was only one thing that frightened Tiger- big, mean German shepherds. She didn't know why her pet insisted on training them.

Hogan sniffled and looked at her with big brown eyes. "Please Tiger. You're our only hope. It'll probably take both of you to get that door open."

Tiger wearily glanced at Marya, but was not encouraged by the unfazed expression on the other cat's face. Marya was crazy, she didn't understand the situation. She glanced at Hogan and sighed. "If we hide on the rooftop… maybe we can sneak in when he takes the dogs out at the camp."

Hogan grinned and winked. "There's the spirit. So, once we get in, Schnitzer drives us out and we're home free!" Yes, that would work. Simple plans always worked.

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Hogan took a deep breath and puffed out his chest. Ah! The smell of freedom. It was almost in his reach.

Glancing up at the clock tower, Hogan grimaced slightly to see it was only ten. One more hour. He could last one more hour. In the mean time, he had to keep his mind off their escape plan or he'd go crazy.

Clapping his hands in delight, Hogan noted a gaggle of school children heading his way. Scurrying up his tree, he watched them get closer and then began his routine of tricks. The children clapped in delight as they watched the strange American animal. Hogan grinned- captivity did have its perks. He liked showing off and wasn't at all opposed to the adoration.

He jumped down and snatched the offered food from one child and gobbled it down. The child squealed and tried to pet him, but Hochstetter, who was close by, barked and shooed them away. Hogan scrunched his nose and stuck his tongue out at the zookeeper. He'd get his, that was for sure.

Time crawled by. Hogan started to fidget and pace. As the clock's hand got closer to eleven, he ignored the gathered children, instead focusing on the zoo's gate. Right on time, Oskar Schnitzer's truck rolled in and parked across from his cage. Hogan watched as the crotchety old man got out and headed into the Monkey House.

A moment later, Hogan could hear sounds from the tunnel. Checking to make sure Hochstetter was nowhere in sight, he ambled over and cleared away the leaves that hid the entrance. "Come on up, and be quick." He was rewarded to see Carter pop out and almost hit him in the nose. "Careful!"

"Sorry," Carter said sheepishly and he scrambled past Hogan. Newkirk eased himself out, followed by Lebeau, who had to be helped out again.

"All right, Newkirk, there's a pile of leaves by the door, you hide there. Lebeau, Carter, into the tree hollow and wait."

"Righto," Newkirk grinned, rubbing his paws together before slinking to the other side of the cage. Lebeau nodded and Carter fired off a salute. Hogan raised an eyebrow and Carter just shrugged before following the skunk.

"Wonder if Marya and Tiger are in the back," Hogan thought aloud.

"Guess we'll find out," Kinch said from across the way. Hogan scowled. That wasn't really very reassuring.

Just then, Schultz came round the corner. He was early, but that was no disaster- the sooner they got out, the better. "Newkirk," Hogan hissed, "Schultz is coming. You ready?"

"Yup, just let him come and don't do anything stupid."

"Me?" Hogan asked innocently. He heard Newkirk snort from his hiding place.

"Ah, guten morgen!" Schultz greeted merrily. "I have breakfast, but you need to promise not to run off!" Hogan grinned and crossed a claw over his chest then held it up. Schultz chuckled and opened the gate. Hogan looked past him to see Newkirk slither out from his hiding place. He could've laughed at the ease in which Newkirk grabbed hold of the keys and slunk back into hiding. The dopey human didn't even suspect a thing. "There you go. And now, I am off!"

Suddenly, Schultz stopped and began patting himself down. "Keys… Where are my keys…" He whirled around and searched the ground. "You, Waschbär, where did I put my keys?" Hogan just shrugged. "What do you mean you don't know?! I just had them to open your cage! You took them!"

"ME?! I was standing in front of you the whole time! When did I get the chance!" Hogan protested, though he knew Schultz couldn't understand him.

"What's going on here!" Hogan rolled his eyes and smacked his forehead. Hochstetter came marching up and glared up at Schultz. "What's going on?"

"I lost my keys! I don't know where…"

"Lost them?" He cast as suspicious glance at Hogan. Hogan just held out his empty paws as proof he was innocent. "Bah! I will lock the door. You go get a new set from the office." Schultz nodded and went off. Hochstetter slammed Hogan's cage shut and locked it tightly. But, instead of wandering off as Hogan expected him to, he stationed himself right outside the door.

"Great, just great," Hogan muttered.

"Now what?" Kinch asked nervously.

"We've got to get him away from the door."

"Yeah, but how?"

Hogan grabbed his chin and started to pace. "Got it. Carter!"

Carter poked his head out of the tree and nodded. "Yeah?"

"We need a distraction to get rid of him," he said, pointing at Hochstetter's back.

"What did you have in mind? You want me to just run past him and get him to chase me?"

"No. I don't want anyone to escape and draw suspicion. I want you to high-tail it to the lion's den and-"

"What?! No offence, but you're crazy!"

"Ah come on Carter, where's your sense of fun? Just go in there and rile to big boy up. He'll start a roaring, Hochstetter will go see what the matter is, and we'll be home free."

"Maybe you will, but I wont! That brute'll _eat_ me!!! Send Lebeau! He can spray him!"

"No dice Carter. You're much faster than Lebeau and you can dive into the tunnel and get away if you need to. Lebeau has a hard enough time getting in and out."

"Fine," Carter groused, "but freedom better be all you say it is…" And with that, the little meerkat dodged out of his hiding placed and jumped into the tunnel. Within minutes, a loud roar went up and filled the zoo. Startled, Hochstetter looked around and then, as the lion grew louder and more frustrated, ran off towards the king of the beasts.

"Go for it Newkirk!"

Newkirk sprang out of his hiding spot and grabbed hold of the cage's bars. Grunting, he climbed up, Schultz's key ring hanging from his mouth. "A bit of a sticky wicket," he muttered through clenched teeth as he struggled with the key and the lock. Finally, he managed to get it in and turned it. "All right you lot, push against the door."

Hogan whistled for Lebeau and together they pushed on the door. It creaked open and all three critters ran out. "Newkirk, go get Kinch," the raccoon ordered as he started running to the truck. "Tiger?! Marya!! Open up!" he hollered.

Something in the back clunked around and Hogan could hear the two cats arguing. A second later, the back door swung open and Tiger nearly tumbled out. Looking around one more time to make sure the coast was clear, Hogan took a few steps back. Then, taking a running leap, he jumped into the back on the truck, followed by Lebeau and Newkirk. Kinch swooped in and landed softly beside the others.

"Carter?" the owl asked, glancing around.

Hogan shrugged and then put his hand on his heart. "Brave lad. Hope he makes it." Thinking no more of it, he peered out the back door. "Quiet, here comes Schnitzer." As he spoke, the old vet came out of the Monkey House. Hogan ducked back behind the door, trying to close it the best he could. He could hardly believe it when the truck started and they rolled through the zoo. His heart nearly burst when they passed the gates and started down the road.

"We did it," he breathed. "We did it!"

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Hogan shot up in his bed and scratched his head. That had to have been the oddest dream he'd ever had. It was even stranger than the dream he'd had that one time after having eating a whole apple pie before bed.

"Colonel?" a voice said from the other side of the door. Hogan half-expected to see an owl trot in, but was greeted instead by a very normal looking Kinch.

"What is it Kinch?"

"Got word from the underground. They need to contact you tonight."

Hogan sighed and rolled out of bed. "All right Kinch. Where's the rendezvous point?"

"Hammelburg zoo," Kinch started, not noticing the odd look on Hogan's face. "Contact's name is Elephant Man."

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It was close to closing time at the Hammelburg zoo. Hogan tried to act as inconspicuous as possible as he strolled it, glancing occasionally at the interesting animals on display. There seemed to be a lot of activity amongst the zookeepers, but he ignored it. A few feet away, another man, carrying a briefcase, stood looking at the monkeys.

"Interesting creatures, monkeys," Hogan said as he slid up to the man.

"Yes and very smart."

"I know, you have to be very careful around them."

"Yes, or they might pick your pocket," the man said, completing the code.

"Elephant Man?"

"Yes. And you are Papa Bear."

"Right." Hogan looked around. "Sure picked a funny place to meet. What's all the fuss about?"

Elephant Man shrugged. "Seems a few animals escaped this morning."

Hogan blinked. "Really?"

"Yes. A racoon, an owl, a-" he stopped and looked at Hogan who was shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. "What's wrong Colonel?"

"Nothing. You know what… I don't even want to know…" A small noise caught his attention and he looked down. A meerkat, looking hopelessly lost, looked back up at him. "Sorry pal, they left without you," Hogan said. The meerkat seemed to shrugged and dashed off. "I definitely do not want to know…"

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Hehehe... so much fun... so silly...

Hehe... Well, I had fun. I guess this is making fun of Hogan's "psychic" powers too- the guy always seems to know what's going to happen!

This was just one of the sillier challenges posted on our lovely forums. Want to find some more?! Go to the forums young man, go where the air puts hair on your forearm young man. If you are fond of hunting there's no place that can compare! You may not catch a lion or a tiger or a bear, but if you want a challenge there are plenty of them there. Go to the forums yooouuung maaaan!!!!! Okay, please forgive me for totally buthering that song...


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